Junk Miles Read online

  “I am,” I insisted.

  “Then stop pussyfooting around. Come to bed with me,” he lured.

  “No.” I shook my head. Jake hadn’t wanted sex. Every time we were together, I knew he was going to talk me out of it. And that was a good thing. I wasn’t good at talking other people out of things. Especially things I could potentially like.

  “Did he want you? Did he tell you to wait for him?” Saxon’s voice was so melodic it just couldn’t be sinister. Could it? My brain was fogging.

  “No.”

  “You want him back?” Saxon asked.

  “Yes.” I did. Badly.

  “But you like me?”

  “Yes.” I struggled to break through his hypnosis. “And you and I tried in Paris. We didn‘t work. Remember?”

  “Too much pressure,” Saxon argued.

  God, he was handsome. I loved the angles of his face, his hard jaw and black eyes. Who had black eyes, anyway? When his lips moved towards mine, I tried to pull up an image of Jake, but all I could see clearly was him screaming at me to leave.

  Fine.

  He wanted me to leave? I was gone.

  Saxon brushed his lips against mine, and I kissed him back. He put his hands on my back and dragged me closer to him. I opened my mouth and licked at his, hating the taste of cigarette smoke, but loving the real taste of him underneath it. My mind was working around Jake yelling and Saxon kissing, and I felt defeated and glad for Saxon’s understanding.

  We kissed until he was pressing into me, and I felt that he was hard. I was trying to kiss him and keep a cool head. I knew I didn’t want to have sex, but I wanted…something. Something more than we’d done in France. Something better.

  He got up and dragged me over to the bed with its rumpled, silky soft sheets. They also smelled like smoke and cologne and unwashed Saxon, which was, amazingly, not gross at all and actually pretty delicious. His hand moved to my hip and slid up my shirt, unhooking my bra and running over the soft skin of my breast, slightly flattened from lying on my back. I arched a little into his palm and he grunted appreciatively, pressing and squeezing and finally pulling my shirt completely over my head with one quick movement.

  In all the times the same exact thing had happened with Jake, I had always been so ready for the next thing, I hadn’t given much thought to how I looked or what he might be thinking. It was different with Saxon. I wondered if he thought I looked good and what he would do next and how quickly I should stop him if things went too far.

  As usual with Saxon, it was just too much thinking. He was looking at my chest, breathing hard.

  “You’re beautiful.” His voice was hoarse.

  “Thank you.” It felt formal.

  He kissed my lips gently, then dipped his head down and licked one nipple. Without thinking, I grabbed him by his ears and yanked his head back.

  “Ow!” he cried.

  And I giggled.

  He looked a little pissed, then his mouth curved up and he laughed a little too.

  “This is great for my boner, Blix.” He sighed and lay down next to me. “I know you’re a virgin, but you’ve done all this before, right?”

  “Yes, Saxon. Just not with you.” I looked at him closely, then reached a hand out and brushed his hair back.

  “Is it bad. With me?” His black eyes flicked down. I realized this was probably going to demolish his self-esteem. I felt bad, even if I had always thought he needed to be taken down a peg or two when it came to his sexual abilities.

  “No!” I said. “My head’s just in a weird place right now.”

  “I can help with that.” He ran his hand down my shoulder and to my elbow. I felt a rush of goosebumps. “You think too much.”

  “Only with you!” I insisted. “It’s like I’m on hyperdrive when you’re around. I can’t turn it off.”

  “But you can turn it off with Jake?” He didn’t say it with any rancor in his voice, but he seemed annoyed.

  “It’s because I know how he feels about me. And I know how I feel about him. And he’s always protecting me. Even from myself. Which is annoying. But also makes me feel like I can push things with him.” I shivered again, this time from the cool air in the room. Saxon handed me my sweater. “I guess I’m playing Jake’s role with you,” I explained. “I’m stopping you before things go too far.”

  “That is so damn unfair,” Saxon muttered, lying on his back and staring at the ceiling while I pulled my sweater down over my head. “So, why are you stopping me again? Because, I don’t want to upset you, Bren, but I have a confession; I’m not a virgin.” The sarcasm dripped off of his last words.

  “Exactly.” I adjusted my sweater. “So having sex with me probably wouldn’t be any kind of big deal for you.”

  He rolled to his side and propped his head with one hand. “Didn’t say that.”

  “But it wouldn’t,” I pressed. “And I don’t know when a good stopping point would be.”

  He narrowed his eyes at me. “I would never force you, Brenna. I know I’ve been a dirtbag, but come on. I care about you. If you just want to kiss, that’s fine. I mean, I kind of want to show off for you a little, but I’ll take whatever. Gladly.”

  “That sounds good.” I moved closer to him. He was so handsome. I pushed him back on the bed, off his side and on his back. I straddled his hips gingerly.

  “Wait, I thought we were being prudes?” He smiled and his teeth gleamed.

  I pushed against his chest to get off. “If you’re not happy with it…” I started, but he caught my hips in his hands and pulled me back.

  “Stop putting words in my mouth. You’re dead wrong. One hundred percent of the time. I’m too complicated for you to try to understand.” He moved his hands up to my ribs, then up higher. “You didn’t put your bra back on.”

  “No, I didn’t.” I leaned over and kissed him on the mouth experimentally. He stayed perfectly still. I kissed his cheek bones, way too nice for a guy. I kissed the stubble breaking out over his wide jaw and his black eyebrows.

  I kissed his mouth softly, then licked a little at it until he opened to me and put his hands on my hips. He moved his hand up under my sweater and he pressed at my breasts. Soon my sweater was off again, and this time, when his mouth dipped down to kiss me, I didn’t back away. He sucked on my nipple, and I felt the familiar warm heat between my legs. He flipped me on my back and kissed down along my stomach, down to the top of my jeans. He flipped the button open and pulled the zipper down, his lips kissing a line down from my bellybutton to the top of my underwear.

  “It’s not Tuesday, Blix.” He grinned.

  I sat up on my elbows and looked down. I was wearing Tuesday underwear. But they were neon pink and green with stars on them, so they were also super cute.

  “They’re ironic underwear.” My body rioted.

  “I like them.” Saxon fished his fingers under the scalloped waistband. I put a hand on his wrist.

  “What time is is?” I asked.

  He craned his neck and glanced at his alarm clock. “Almost three.”

  I sat up, pulled my sweater over my head, grabbed my bra, and put it on under. “I have to go. Now. Come on.”

  He groaned. “Seriously? Now? C’mon, Bren. Ten more minutes, and you would have been mine forever.”

  I laughed, then kissed him again. He smiled. “C’mon. Mom will be home soon, and I don’t want to freak her out.”

  “Gotcha.” He grabbed his coat and keys and put his boots on. “If I’m going to have a chance at more action, I need to stay in your parents’ good graces.”

  “At least we’re both clear about what this is all about,” I said evenly.

  He smiled and took my shoulders, ran his hand down to my elbows and back up, then shook me a little. “Joking. I mean, I want in your pants, but I like you.” I narrowed my eyes at him. “I really do. Promise.”

  “Let’s go. I hate you when you’re being sentimental.” We walked to the Charger and he took out his cigarettes.
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  “Smoke out the window, please. I don’t want to smell like cigarettes and sex.”

  “Why not?” Saxon asked, but he rolled the window down. “If you’re going to come to the dark side, why not come all the way?”

  “This alliance is on my terms. No cigarette smoke.” I opened his glove compartment.

  I watched him watch me. It was a kind of ballsy thing to do. If I was just some girl he liked. But if we were tenuously together, that changed things. I rifled around until I found a little container of TicTacs, orange of course, and ate some. He held his hand out and I put some in his palm.

  “Thanks.” The car was started, but he sat and looked at me for a long minute.

  “What?” I felt a slow burn crawl over my skin.

  “Nothing. I don’t want to get too sentimental. I just like you. That’s all.” He pulled out, and I watched him drive without worrying about if he noticed me looking or not. I was making an effort to stop thinking while I was with Saxon. In Paris every minute with Saxon had been a betrayal of Jake’s trust. Back home, Saxon was that incredibly complicated guy again, and I was back to my old habit of thinking and double thinking every move I made when he was around.

  But I could break that habit. Or I could give it a decent try.

  I fiddled with the radio stations, not finding anything I liked. He pointed his thumb to the back seat. “There’s a CD case there. Lots of good stuff.”

  I unbuckled my seat belt for a minute to get it, nervous about his crazy driving. When I turned my head to make sure we were still on a road, I caught him checking my butt out in the review mirror. He smiled at me and shrugged.

  “You don’t expect me to look? It’s a good view.”

  I would have kicked him, but I didn’t want to make an already precarious driving experience worse. I slid back into my seat, fastened the belt quickly and plopped the case in my lap. It was filled with burned CDs.

  “What’s good?” Some of them had song names scrawled on them, but most were just weird titles, like Saxon had made his own mixes and named them. I flipped through the pages. “Unbelievable Orgasm Mix,” I read. “Is that a good one?”

  “Doesn’t the title speak for itself? But considering that’s just wishful thinking at this point, why don’t you spare me the torture?”

  “Driving in a Car with a Boy,” I read.

  “That one’s great. A friend of my mom’s, Nessa, recorded some of the tracks with her band. They do this kind of modern Celtic shit. I know, it sounds weird, but it’s wild.”

  “Sounds good.” When I popped it in, his bizarre explanation made sense. Her voice was sexy and infectious. And because Saxon was Saxon, I wondered if he had had a crush on this Nessa woman. Or if he had slept with her. “I love it,” I said. And didn’t mention my other musings.

  “So, what are you doing Friday night?” he asked casually.

  “Um, nothing.” My first Friday night back in the States should have been all about me and Jake. But that…wasn’t going to be.

  “Do you want to go on a date with me? I’ll dress nice, pick you up. Take you wherever.”

  “That sounds good.” I looked over at him, curious. “What do you want to do?”

  “How about dinner and a movie?” he suggested. “I don’t want to get too wild.”

  “Alright. I really want to go out for sushi. There’s a new place in Vernon. Thorsten said it’s supposed to be really good.”

  “Sounds like a plan.” He smiled around his cigarette. “Since you picked the food, are we going to be all equitable and let me pick the movie?”

  “Alright.” I loved movies. Just going was great. And there wasn’t really any genre I hated. Except slasher-type horror movies.

  “There’s a new zombie movie playing. I think it’s supposed to be good.”

  Why did he have to pick the only type of movie that would freak me out? I made a face.

  “Chill, Blix. I’ll be there if you need someone to protect you. Or someone to leave the theater and screw around in the backseat with.”

  I laughed outright. “I’ll make it through the movie. Nothing could gross me out more than that backseat. It’s probably got the DNA of half the girls in this county on it.” I glanced back and shuddered.

  “Cruel,” he said. “But potentially true. I’ll be sure to spray it down with some Lysol before I invite you to climb back in.”

  We were at my house. “Invite me in.” His voice pleaded with me.

  “No.” I shook my head. It was getting easier to relax with Saxon, but I needed to have a sanctuary of my own, and that’s what my room functioned as. It was bad enough the ghosts of Jake still loomed large. “Uncle.”

  “What?”

  “I’m saying ‘uncle.’” I said. He looked at me blankly. “‘Uncle.’ I’ve had enough. Of you.”

  He laughed again. “You’re a stone bitch. But I like you like that.”

  I popped the passenger door open and he grabbed my hand and pulled me back. “Goodbye, Brenna.” And before I knew it, I was in his lap, my mouth and his tangling hungrily. I finally pulled away and got out, shaky and uncertain.

  Chapter Twelve

  I didn’t look back at his car when he pulled out of the driveway. I went to my room, and I had two immediate desires. I wanted a shower, and I wanted to call Jake. But I didn’t do either. I headed up to the attic, which was above our garage, low-ceilinged and dimly lit. The boxes were all labeled. Mom and I moved around quite a bit when I was a young kid, and a lot of our things had been lost. What we had, she treasured, and it was all boxed and labeled. It took a lot less time than I’d expected to find what I was looking for. It was in the box labeled ‘Brenna’s Art: Age 5 & 6.’

  I found the book, the one I had loved so fiercely that I had colored all over it. The original pictures were muted, sketchy and incredible. My scribbles overtop were vibrant, harsh. And also incredible. Together they made a complicated, beautiful mess. I put the box back and took the book downstairs.

  Thorsten and Mom used Christmas as an excuse to spoil me again, and this time it had been in the form of software and a new printer, plus a huge pile of soft cotton tshirts in my size. I also had a feeling there was a silk screening press in my future. After my successful sale of tshirts at local Folly concerts, Mom and Thorsten were so impressed with my skills, they upgraded and added to my equipment. That’s just the kind of awesome they are.

  I put some of the pages through my scanner and manipulated them on my laptop so they would make workable images. Then I fiddled with the contrast and repaired the low resolution. But there wasn’t a lot I needed to do. My kindergarten self had all of the artistic imagination in an afternoon of scribbling that I now needed hours of focused work to achieve.

  I ran the print-offs and pressed them with the iron. The design was incredible. I had never been so impressed with anything I made before. I got so into it, I didn’t hear Mom come in. She was in the doorway when I finally sensed her presence and looked up.

  “Mom!” I ran to her and gave her a hug.

  “Hey sweetie. I see you found your book?” She sniffed my hair. “You smell like smoke.”

  “I rode my bike a little far, and Saxon drove me back here.” I obviously omitted any mention of the action in his messy bedroom.

  “That was sweet of him,” Mom said carefully, looking at my shirt. “This is incredible, honey.”

  “Yeah. Too bad I made it when I was five.” We both studied it for a minute.

  “Well, use it as inspiration for new things.” She ran her hands over the design. “So where was Jake today?”

  “He and I still aren’t dating.” I swallowed hard as the ugliness and confusion of the day shook through me again. “And we’re not really talking right now.”

  “Oh, Bren. I’m sorry.” She did sound sorry, but I knew it wasn’t so much about the fact that I wasn’t back with Jake as the fact that I might be hurting over it.

  “Saxon invited me out on Friday night. I wanted to
go to that new sushi place Thorsten told us about.” I glanced at her, interested to see her reaction.

  “That sounds fun.” Her voice was guarded. “Does Jake know?”

  I wasn‘t positive why she was asking. I figured it was mostly curiosity. I was sure she wanted to know if I was following her ‘date lots of guys’ advice. “I don’t think Jake cares one way or the other,” I said, remembering our kiss in the greenhouse. Which was technically our second kiss in a Zinga’s greenhouse. That kiss was sharper in my mind than every deliciously intimate thing Saxon and I had done together, and I really didn’t know why.

  “It will work itself out, Bren,” Mom promised. It was a promise that made no sense, but I somehow trusted her simple words.

  “Thanks, Mom.”

  She left me in my room, my beautiful, comfortable room, and I worked like a fiend, printing and ironing. I took a long shower. I made some playlists. I did some extra homework. I ate dinner and watched TV. I didn’t want to go to sleep. I didn’t want Monday to come. Or, more pointedly, I didn’t want Monday afternoon to come. I didn’t want to see Jake, to have to deal with what we still had and didn’t have anymore.

  Especially since what we had before was comparatively simple.

  And so completely good.

  Damn my longing for Saxon. If I had known how complicated this would all get…I still would have done it. No doubt. I needed to know. And I needed to be free. Even from the most amazing, understanding guy there was.

  That night I lay in my bed and wished the phone would ring. I willed Jake to dial my number, to tell me that kiss had sparked something in him, that even though I screwed up he still wanted me.

  I had done as much for him once, and it had sucked. I had accepted his massively unbalanced past. Thinking about the crazy things he had done had made me insane; imagining the other girls, wondering what it had been like and how I held up. Especially since I had nothing to compare. And the better he was, the more adoring, the harder it was. Because it clouded my judgment and made me unsure.

  There was always the feeling that I was being adored from a really high pedestal. Had I willed my own fall? It seemed a little crazy, but so did everything right now. Maybe I wanted to even the field with Jake. Maybe I wanted to see if he was as tolerant as I had been. Was I testing him?