Junk Miles Read online

  “Nice if you would,” he drawled, then helped me up. He took the sleeve of his hoodie and pulled it down, long and loose, then wiped at my face gently, sopping up the tears and even the snot. It was one of the most intimately kind things anyone had ever done for me. “It will all be different when we get back. Trust me.”

  I put my arm around his waist and he put his around my shoulders, and I realized that as much as I hated having Jake out of my life, I loved the freedom to be with Saxon however I needed to without feeling any guilt. I leaned my head on his shoulder as we walked back, matching my breathing and eventually my heart rate to his. He had been there when I needed him, and that gave my mind a chance for real peace.

  The rest of the day rushed by. It was mostly filled with Mom lamenting all the things we hadn’t been able to do and see, including the Eiffel Tower and Notre Dame. I was relieved that we had a reason to come back. Much as I had learned being here, I wanted the chance to experience Paris without the drama of Jake and Saxon looming over my head. And it would be great to see Paris in the spring or summer, when things were in bloom. When I pointed that out to Mom, she calmed down and we had a fairly peaceful night.

  Mom turned in early, to better ready herself for a long plane flight and to take extreme precaution against jet lag. I was ready to be home, much as I dreaded what I might have to face when I got there. I was done packing, had my travel outfit out and ready and was about to crack into Raskolnikov’s story again when I heard a light knock at my door. I looked at the shut door for a minute, considering. I knew it was Saxon, but I wondered what he wanted.

  There was no way I could just wonder for long.

  “Come in!” I called.

  He stepped into my room and looked around. I know they’re just dorms, but mine definitely had something his lacked. First of all, mine didn’t stink of smoke. It was neat and bright, the windows opened, the bed nicely made, my possessions contained. He dropped on the mattress next to me.

  “You don’t hate me, Blix, do you? I mean, after all of this drama, we’re still cool, right?” His voice was low and uncaring, but I knew that he was covering.

  I took his hand in mine. “I don’t hate you, Saxon. I thought I could, once, but it didn’t really work. No matter how much of an asshole you are, there’s something likable about you.”

  He tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. “I thought I could do it,” he said quietly.

  “What?” I turned my face up and looked into his.

  He swallowed and I watched the tendons in his throat constrict. “I thought I could make you fall in love with me. I thought with you in Paris with me, and Jake so far away, it would all just fall into place. Man, I was wrong, huh?”

  “I did kind of fall for you, Saxon,” I said, my eyes and our hands locked together. “You wouldn’t want me as a girlfriend anyway.”

  He smiled. “If I had any chance of ever having a girlfriend, it would have been you, Brenna.”

  “So you’re doomed to be permanently alone?” I felt the pressure of his hand as he squeezed mine.

  “Maybe. Lose the long face. I’m going to have so much incredible casual sex, it will be unbelievable.” He kissed my cheek, then pulled back and took a deep breath. “But that’s not what I’m here for.”

  “What do you want then?” Fear mingled with anticipation when I imagined what he might ask for and how I would possibly be able to say no to him.

  “I want to help you,” he said, then fell back on the bed, his arms splayed out, his tattoos slightly visible from the place where his shirt sleeves curled up.

  I turned and looked at his long, prone figure. “I don’t need any help from you.”

  “Yes, you do.” He shut his eyes. “I drove you to this whole thing. I know you never wanted it.”

  That irritated me. It was pretty much the reaction Jake had when I told him about me and Saxon. Why was it so inconceivable that I could make a decision to change something in my own life? Why did every decision I made get taken from me as if I were some infant who could only react to what others did?

  I was the one, on the roof, who had pulled Saxon in and demanded we do something! I was the one who had initiated the whole thing! Part of me wanted to chicken out and hide behind Saxon again, but I was getting tired of living according to other peoples’ rules and expectations, no matter how good their intentions for me were. And no matter how huge and messy my own mistakes were.

  “I did what I wanted.”

  “Yeah, I know, you’re your own person, blah, blah, blah.”

  “So what big help are you offering me?” I asked through gritted teeth.

  “I’m going to get you back with Jake.” He clapped his hands together like a genie granting a wish.

  I felt my heart leap a little. “Jake?” I said. Just his name felt so good. “Saxon, what Jake and I had is gone. No more. Even if he agreed to date me again, it wouldn’t wind up working out.” Plus that, I didn’t like the idea of Saxon involved with any plan that also had to do with Jake.

  “That’s because he doesn’t know the whole story.” Saxon looked up at me from under long, long eyelashes.

  “What are you talking about?” I narrowed my eyes at what I felt in my bones was going to be a colossally bad idea.

  “I’m going to make a story that works.” He shrugged like it was the easiest, most obvious idea in the world.

  “What do you mean ‘works’?” Real dread poured over me.

  “The truth is so fucking lame it’s not even worth telling. I’m going to figure something out that will make Jake blame me.”

  “How many times do you think that will actually work, Saxon? Jake’s not an idiot.”

  “When it comes to you, that’s exactly what he is.” He put a hand on my knee and ran it up to my inner thigh. I smacked at him and he did it again. “You’re so easy to piss off.”

  “Only when I’m around you,” I snapped. “I told you we’d bring out the worst in each other.”

  “Speak for yourself.” He drummed his fingers on my knee. “This is the best behaved I’ve been in a long time.”

  “Are you kidding me?” I snorted. “You’ve been a complete jerkoff.”

  He frowned. “Blix, there were several times I was pretty much a gentleman.”

  “Really? Like when?”

  “Like when you were in my room the other night, and I could have gotten you all hot and wet, but I didn’t,” he said, and he was only half joking. “I could have pressed the issue, and I bet you and I would have had a lot more fun than we wound up having.”

  “Nothing with you has been fun.” I couldn’t help feeling a twinge of sadness, because that was the truth. When I had been unobtainable, he had been enticing but nerve-wracking. And once I fell into his arms, he was high maintenance and unpredictable. I just thought the whole thing had so much more promise for…I don’t really know what I expected.

  Maybe it was like when people heard I had lived in Denmark for a year. They just couldn’t help but imagine this sophisticated European experience, when in reality it was just fifteen lonely months on an old chicken farm. Not that it hadn’t had its moments, but it wasn’t all baguettes and berets.

  Was I getting my European metaphors mixed up?

  “What’s wrong?” he demanded, like he knew I was thinking something uncharitable about him.

  “I was just thinking that I thought it would be more fun. Between us.”

  He smiled a little. “If it had worked out, would you have been thinking about Jake so much?”

  I took a few deep breaths and tried to phrase it correctly. Then I just gave up and said what I felt, no matter how husslike it made me look. “I don’t know. I didn’t really anticipate a certain outcome. I just needed to do it, so I would know. And now I do.”

  “Know part of it,” Saxon corrected.

  “I gave it a fair chance,” I argued.

  “You pined for Jake.” Saxon rolled on his elbow and looked at me. “I don’t think you real
ize how much you like him, Brenna. I think it’s ridiculous and irritating, especially considering what you could have right here, but I’m not judging.”

  “Listen, it doesn’t matter what I think or want. Jake isn’t going to go along with this or any other stupid scheme you come up with, so drop it.” I pulled my knees up under my chin and held my legs tight to my chest.

  “Can’t.” Saxon flicked my foot. “If you won’t have me, then it’s my mission to throw you into the arms of my half-brother. I like to keep it in the family.”

  I ignored the more obvious attempt to aggravate me. “Why don’t you tell him that you’re brothers?”

  “Why don’t you beat a dead horse? You’re good at that.” His tone was clipped again. “Drop it, Bren.”

  “Take your own advice, Saxon.” I poked him with my toe. “Let me figure it out myself, okay? Thanks anyway.”

  “Fine.” He smiled so wide his teeth gleamed.

  Saxon finally got up and left the room, which felt much bigger without his overwhelming presence. It would be the last time we were together in this little semi-permanent room of mine. I snapped a few pictures, to help remember. And possibly, maybe, to help tell Jake the whole story. Someday. It was weird to think about going back to the States, where life was going to be basically the same as when we left. Oh, except that I no longer had my adoring/adorable boyfriend.

  I thought about him on the plane ride, and it seemed like every mile we got closer to home, I wanted him more and regretted what I had done. More and more, Saxon’s idiotic idea seemed like it could work.

  There was just one problem, and it weighed on me just as much as the initial problem of my attraction to Saxon; why had I ever even considered leaving Jake?

  He was perfect in so many ways. Jake was kind and attentive. He believed in me and respected me. I was totally physically attracted to him. Sure, Mom didn’t approve, but she was basically fanatical when it came to anything that had to do with me. I couldn’t imagine a single guy who would meet her criteria. So what had happened? How had I been begging Jake to stay overnight and two days later been pressing myself against Saxon? My head started to pound.

  I thought back to all the times Jake made me cringe a little, and I was filled with deep, relentless guilt. I hated that he couldn’t read and understand things quickly. I hadn’t even considered emailing him while I was gone, because I knew it would be agony for him to write back. And I hated the culture he had grown up in, the girls who had liked him and the things he had done with them, too young and too much.

  What was weird is that I didn’t hate Saxon as much for it. Maybe because Saxon wore it like an ironic badge? Maybe because it wasn’t really Saxon’s birthright.? Saxon was a professor’s son, smart and athletic and socially something closer to me.

  My face burned red just thinking what I was thinking. Jake was the best. Better than I deserved.

  I could insist that was true all I wanted. The truth was, I had a superiority complex when it came to Jake. That was a seriously bad thing in a relationship.

  And then it dawned on me that maybe our breaking up was right. If I couldn’t respect Jake one hundred percent for who he was, maybe I was never the right person to be with him.

  My chest felt like it was being crushed by a vice, and I had to squeeze my eyes shut really tight because I didn’t want to cry in front of my mom, even if she was zonked out. Mom had a weird knack for knowing any time I was upset, and I was miserable at hiding it from her. I hadn’t had to sit with Saxon on the ride back. Lylee had been annoying enough that even my polite mother was able to brush her off completely. Anyway, Mom’s anti-jetlag plan involved an eye cover, ear plugs and total sleep on the plane. I couldn’t imagine that Lylee would have paid any attention to Mom’s desire to sleep. The Macleans were as annoying as they were charming.

  The plane landed late, and there was Thorsten, a big smile on his face and his arms held out. Mom and I hugged him.

  “We missed you, Fa,” I said, using my particular pet name for him.

  “I missed you girls. A man only needs so much underwear time. I’m ready to put some clothes on and have my ladies back!”

  Mom tucked herself into the crook of Thorsten’s shoulder and nuzzled against him. My heart bucked. Just then I felt a familiar presence. Thorsten and Mom were gathering our luggage on a cart to leave.

  “It’ll work out, Blix,” Saxon whispered in my ear. “I’m on it.”

  “That’s not reassuring.”

  He took my hand and kissed it softly. “I know I’m kind of a dick, but I really like you.” His black eyes glowed gold. “It puts a halt to my natural assholishness and makes me a sometimes nice guy.”

  I put a hand to his cheek and brushed the soft skin with my thumb. “So you’re saying you’re half the ass you usually are just for my benefit?”

  But Saxon was serious. “I’m saying that I care about you. Even if I do some fucked up stuff, I would never want to see you hurt. That’s all I’m saying.”

  My laugh caught in my throat. This was the other part of the complication with Jake. Jake hated Saxon. He wouldn’t approve of my spending any time with him. I didn’t want to irritate Jake. But I wanted to be near Saxon.

  As much as I was whining about ruining things with Jake, there was a huge part of me that felt free. I was glad that I could let Saxon kiss my hand and tell me he cared about me without feeling that obligatory stab of guilt that I felt when I was Jake’s girlfriend. Maybe being someone’s girlfriend just wasn’t the right thing for me.

  “I care about you, too,” I said, and I meant it with my whole heart. “And I think you should keep your distance from Jake when we get back. I can’t force you to do anything. It’s just advice.”

  Mom and Thorsten looked over at me, and I wanted to just get home and collapse. I put my arms around Saxon and hugged him hard. “Thanks for everything, Saxon.”

  He buried his face in my hair and sighed. “God, I wish you were thanking me for so much more.”

  Then I went to Mom and Thorsten, and Saxon went to do who knows what. He had probably driven himself to the airport. Lylee could be flitting off anywhere. He said he liked his freedom, but, at that moment, the cocoon of love from my parents was feeling really good.

  Chapter Eleven

  Mom and Thorsten chatted and caught up, and I was able to close my eyes and try to make peace with my crazy life. I wanted to run. So many hours on the plane left me feeling cagey, and so many thoughts in my head made me feel a little like puking.

  Finally, we pulled up my street, and I felt so happy and peaceful. I looked at the familiar trees passing out the window and when we came to our driveway, I felt so good, I almost couldn’t contain it. I ran through the door and it just smelled right. It smelled like home, and it was the best smell I could have imagined.

  “You look tired, sweetheart,” Mom said. “Do you want to go and lie down?”

  I told her I did. I hugged and kissed them both twice and opened the door to my room. Oh, my room! I loved the one robin’s-egg wall, the bright poppy bedding, the paper lamps, and glass-fronted bookshelves! I loved it all!

  I was feeling so great, it didn’t seem like anything could ruin it. Until I saw my bangles, laid out carefully on my desk. They were the bangles I left at Jake’s house, because he wanted them as a little reminder of me even when I wasn’t there. I felt my throat clamp tight. They were a sign. We were over and he wanted to make it unquestioningly clear to me.

  I lay on the soft down of my cover and felt the tears run hot and quick down my face. I burrowed deep under the covers and imagined I could smell him on them. I turned my head into my pillow and cried, long and hard. I muffled my sobs and let my body shake until I felt tattered and worn out, until there wasn’t one more hiccup or hot tear left. Then I slept, and it was a cold, dark, silent sleep.

  I woke up and it was late in the morning. Thorsten had come home especially to pick us up, but he was going into the city to make up for lost hours
. Mom wanted to head to the college. She had a notebook full of neatly written lists and timetables, and I could see her itching to show them to her boss. Her passion for everything always made me smile.

  “You look awful, Bren.” Mom pressed a hand to my forehead. She put a bowl of hot oatmeal in front of me. “Did you get any sleep?”

  I shook my head. “I should have slept on the plane. I think I messed myself up.”

  “You should go back to bed for a bit. Or do you want me to stay here?” Her eyes were bright with worry.

  “Mom, it’s just jetlag. I need to get back on schedule, that’s all. You worry too much.” I gave her a weak smile.

  She didn’t look reassured. “I’ll be right at the college.”

  “I’ll probably just zonk out.” I spooned the oatmeal obediently into my mouth. “But, you know, I might take a run or a bike ride. I don’t really want to throw my schedule off too much. I have school tomorrow.” We had missed all of winter break, but could start back with everyone else the next day, Monday.

  “Baby, if you need to take a day, take it.” Mom’s face was lined with worry. “You push yourself too hard, Bren. Indulge, right? Didn’t we talk about that?”

  I suppressed the urge to groan. If only she knew how I had taken her well-meant advice.

  “Maybe I will,” I said, noncommittally. “Maybe I’ll ride to Kelsie’s in a little bit.”

  “It would be fun for you to see her.” Mom grabbed her purse and keys. “Well, I’m off. Keep your cell on you. And be careful, sweetie. You know I hate the idea of you riding around on your own.” She frowned and kissed my head, then she was gone and I was all alone in my big, empty house.

  The last day of winter break. When I had looked forward to it, before I knew about Paris, I imagined all of the things Jake and I would do together. I imagined this last day as a day filled with cuddling and more, goofing off and laughing about all we had done that week. I washed my bowl out in the sink and wondered at how it had all gone so wrong.

  I was literally shaky from everything running through my head. I wanted…closure or peace or some kind of reassurance. I took a shower and got dressed in a super soft pink sweater and gray jeans. I was going for soft and pretty and maybe a little innocent. I put on makeup and did my hair and looked super cute. I got my bike out and remembered that this last day of break wouldn’t have been filled with cuddling anyway. Jake always had work on Sunday. He would be at Zinga’s.