Junk Miles Page 10

  “Okay.” His voice sliced across the line. “Just have a little respect for me when I tell you that I’m not at all cool with your little experiment.”

  “I understand that.” Tears slid down my face, and if I could have shaken myself by my own shoulders I would have. What had I done? And why had I done it?

  “I guess I’ll be going.” The voice on the other end of the phone might have been coming from Jake’s mouth, but it wasn’t Jake. My Jake was dead and gone in a split second, so fast I didn’t even have time to catch one last sweet word to hold onto.

  “Um, okay?” I took his ring out of my pocket and put it on the scratched desk in front of me. I felt like my heart was cracking into pieces in my chest. “I just want you to know that I love you. I still do. I have to do this for myself, but I love you.”

  “I hope you’re happy with this, Brenna.” His voice was warmer than I would have expected. “Wow. Today was going really well until this. Whatever. Take care of yourself. I guess I’ll see you around.”

  “Jake…” I said, but there was nothing left to say. I was just afraid to hear the click of our final disconnection. It was all spiraling out of control way too fast. I wanted to stop time, rewind, fix this, solve this, but it was too late! I was left in the ruins without knowing for sure how completely I’d made it all tumble down.

  “Good bye, Brenna,” he said quietly.

  And he clicked off.

  Chapter Seven

  I lay on the bed and shook, sobbing into my pillow. What had I expected? Jake had been surprisingly cool and calm about the whole thing. I had been unfair to him. I hadn’t given him any warning, hadn’t told him enough, and hadn’t been as honest as I should have been. I shouldn’t have done this over the phone. I should have had the respect to tell him what I felt to his face.

  What did I hope to gain from this? Did I really think Saxon and I would be boyfriend and girlfriend? Did I even want that? What would happen in a week when I was back home, sitting across from Jake for half the day every day? I knew from the sick clamp in my gut that I had made a huge mistake, one that I couldn’t come back from. I had screwed up with Jake, and he wasn’t going to be understanding.

  I thought about the book from my childhood, the evil witch and those scary red eyes. What had I written in my baby scrawl? How had I changed the story? In my babyhood I had understood all of my intentions and changes, but if I looked at it now, what would it be? Just a big mess, I was sure.

  Jake and Saxon weren’t a book and a pack of markers. This wasn’t going to end well. I wanted to stay in my bed and let the gaping hole in my chest close up. But I had started this whole thing rolling, and I had to see it out.

  I fished in my bag and found the curling iron I packed. Forty minutes later I had on way too much makeup, my hair was big and sexy and my dress was gorgeous and too tight and short. I lay on my bed and rolled Jake’s ring between my fingers.

  He wasn’t mine anymore.

  He wasn’t thinking of me.

  He didn’t care about me.

  We were done.

  It felt too final. My throat felt clawed at, raw and painful. Dozens of images of me and Jake went through my head, so much loving good. But I knew that behind every good time, there was my feeling that maybe this wasn’t it. Maybe he wasn’t the one. There was the sneaky nagging reminder that my heart leapt when I saw Saxon. And I wanted to know why that happened.

  So now I was free to know why. Had I expected it to be pleasant? It hurt. How else could it have worked?

  Before I knew it, there was a knock on my door.

  I opened it and Saxon was there, wearing a gray button down with the sleeves cuffed to his elbows and dark jeans. He looked really sexy. He smelled really sexy. But my heart wasn’t into it.

  “Have you been crying?” He ducked his head to study my face and, I’m sure, my red-rimmed eyes.

  “No. Come in.” I wiped at my eyes with the back of my hand.

  My room was right next to my mother’s, and if it had been any other day, I would have never invited Saxon in. But it wasn’t any other day, and not only did I pull him into the room, I pulled him directly over to the bed. I sat down on it, and he sat next to me. I put my mouth on his. He tasted good, the way I remembered him tasting. He kissed me back, pulled me to him, but after a few seconds, he pulled away.

  “Brenna, what’s wrong?” He cupped my cheek with his hand and rubbed his thumb along my cheekbone.

  “I told Jake.” My voice was watery. It was such a relief to talk about it with someone else.

  “And?” He held my hand gently.

  “We broke up.” My voice shook hard.

  “Are you sure?” Saxon looked a little like he was laughing at me.

  “Yes!” I hated his condescending chuckles. “Why are you asking like that?”

  Saxon shook his head and grinned. “Brenna, I don’t think you understand how…crazy Jake’s past is. Do you plan to sleep with me?”

  “No,” I said flatly. I was in no position to even think about that. I knew for sure that no matter how much I was attracted to Saxon, what I felt for him wasn’t love, at least not yet. And that was my only real prerequisite for sex.

  “Jake might be pissed. But he hates me, and he’s going to blame this on me, not you. When this is all over, if you want to kick me to the curb and take Jake back, you’ll be able to convince him.” He rubbed his hands up and down my arms.

  “How could you say that?” I demanded, my voice high and warbly.

  “Because I’ve known Jake his whole life. And I know how he feels about you. I don’t want to build a case for him, but he’s completely crazy about you. And you don’t understand the power you have over guys.” He looked me up and down. “I can’t believe you look the way you do, and I’m sitting here holding your hand while you cry to me about Jake Kelly.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” I pulled my hand away.

  He caught it again and brought it up to his lips. “Don’t, Brenna.” He kissed my palm softly. “I know you’re sad about Jake. But trust me, it isn’t over if you don’t want it to be. Can I ask, now that you’ve gone this far anyway, if you’ll at least consider taking me seriously? Forget all of our past bullshit, okay? I’ve got less than a handful of days to convince you that I’m not a complete douche bag, and I want a fair shot. Give it to me.”

  His eyes had so much gold in them they looked almost brown. He looked so handsome, so sincere, that this time when I kissed him, I really felt it and really meant it. He pressed me to him, kissed me lightly on my jaw and my ears.

  He whispered things to me that made me feel shaky. That I was beautiful. That he thought about me all the time. That he loved the way I smelled. That he had never felt happier than he did now.

  And since I was already in deep, I let myself get lost in his words. I wound my arms around his neck and opened my mouth and filled myself with the smoky, dangerous taste of Saxon. Before I knew it, he had me back on the bed and was trying to move the straps on my dress down. I could see that crazy, fevered look in his eyes, but I stopped him.

  “Enough.” It was crazy how different this was from what I had with Jake. With him, I was always the one pressing for more, but I was too muddled and Saxon was too eager. It wasn’t comfortable for me.

  Saxon backed off, his hands up in the air in an ‘innocent’ gesture. Just then there was a knock at the door.

  Caroline was there in a slinky black dress. Lydia scowled in tight jeans and a red halter and Brian looked less dorky in a plain button down with some gel in his hair.

  “Hey, Brenna.” Caroline eyed my dress with one blonde eyebrow high. She smiled appreciatively at Saxon. “Hey Saxon.”

  “Caroline.” He nodded.

  Something flashed between them, and once again I felt like the idiot innocent in the middle. Saxon’s past was just as shady as Jake’s, but Saxon didn’t have any of the regrets Jake had, at least on the surface.

  Caroline introduced everyone
, then the parents came out to take our pictures and warn us to be careful. Mom looked worried, but happy. Me going out with a group of ‘good’ kids in Paris was basically worry free for her, even if I was dressed like a young hooker and we were going to a large, popular dance club.

  “Be good.” She took my hand and twirled me, then kissed me.

  And we were off, released into the cold air of Paris, jostling and laughing. Saxon took my hand without asking, and we walked slightly behind the others.

  “Do you know Caroline?” I tried not to be jealous. I had no right, of course. Despite the catastrophe of this evening, I still considered myself connected most strongly to Jake.

  “She and I made out when we were in middle school. One of these trips, but it was England.” He shook my hand back and forth. “There’s nothing for you to worry about.”

  “I’m not worried.” My hand was limp in his. “At all.”

  “Really? Cause you seem a little huffy, Blix.” My heel got caught on a loose cobblestone, and he caught me under the elbow when I tottered.

  I got my balance, pulled my arm away from him. He grabbed my hand. “Look, I know you have a man-whore history, so I won’t even be shocked if you’ve pawed every girl we meet for the next two weeks.”

  “What’s with you anyway, Bren? You’ve got some bad taste in guys.” He dropped my hand and threw his arm around my shoulders. “Jake Kelly and now me. Two of the worst, Blix. What’s wrong with a nice straightedge from one of your AP classes?”

  “You are in my AP classes,” I pointed out.

  What was strangest about this whole night was that once Saxon and I decided to go beyond just friends, he became friendlier than he’d ever been to me. And now that I was preoccupied thinking about Jake and what he was doing and thinking, I had no interest in trying to outthink Saxon. It was liberating, in a way.

  By the time we got to the club, I was ready to stop thinking. The music was way too loud and it was all French, which was actually great. I didn’t want to hear anything that would remind me of home.

  Saxon checked our coats and went to the bar. I don’t know how he got them, but he managed to get two shots.

  “Here, Blix.” He held the glass out to me. “It’s not going to get you plastered or anything. Bottoms up?”

  I took the tiny glass and we clinked together. I felt bonded to him, the way doing anything secretly bad makes you an instant accomplice. I threw the liquor down my throat in one fiery liquid ball that was no worse than Listerine. Saxon grinned and led me to the edge of the dancers. The others in our group were already on the dance floor, but Saxon was clearly not interested in hunting them down.

  The music was infectious, and that one shot coursed through my untried system with a lot of strength. I felt good moving, and my muscles relaxed as I sank into the music. Saxon wound up being as great a dancer as his sexiness promised. He was attentive and funny and when he moved, I didn’t want to take my eyes off of him.

  We danced to show off at first, throwing in a crazy move here and there, making each other laugh, and it was the laughter that closed the gap between us. Soon, we were dancing closer, and Saxon would reach out to touch my waist or I would balance myself with a hand on his shoulder. The music got louder and more intense and we laughed harder. Soon Saxon’s hand didn’t move from my waist and then both of his hands were on me. Then we were dancing so close our hips ground together, and I had a flashback to our Dirty Dancing group date a few months back, when his finger on my ankle had irritated me.

  Suddenly that perfect day rushed back, and Jake rushed back with it. I realized that I still had the picture of him from the movie theater on my cell phone, and I wanted to see it. Maybe it was just torturing myself, but I needed to see Jake again, however I could. I told Saxon I had to go to the bathroom. He watched me head out. I had stuffed my cell phone in the cup of my bra so that I would have it on hand no matter what.

  After dancing for such a long time, my phone was sweat-covered and hot, but it worked fine. The bathroom was incredibly quiet, cool and white tiled. There were a few girls in the stalls, two of them throwing up loudly, but I just ignored them and closed myself into my own tiny space. I slid the phone on and went through my picture menu. There was the image of Jake, his great smile and chipped tooth and sexy gray eyes. I felt a rush of remorse. What was I doing? How had things changed so quickly?

  But there was also the feeling that I had been hurtling towards this since the day I met Saxon, a full half day before Jake. I chalked it up to bad fate that I had to meet the two of them at once. But it was my fate, and I had to follow it as I saw fit.

  I came out of the stall and wiped some of my runny mascara from under my eyes. I didn’t feel like going back out, but I knew I would. A text appeared on my phone suddenly, and I felt a thrill, thinking it might be Jake.

  It was Saxon.

  Outside, it said.

  I left the bathroom and headed out in my skimpy dress. Saxon was outside, my coat over his arm, a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. He held my coat open, and I slid my arms in appreciatively.

  “You done dancing?” He ran a hand down my arm.

  I nodded, then made a face at his cigarette.

  “You ever try one?” He took the smoldering stick out of his mouth and held it out to me.

  I shook my head.

  “You broke up with your perfect boyfriend, made out with the biggest asshole you know, drank a shot, dressed like a slut, dirty danced, and now you’re going to turn your nose up at one little cigarette? You’re going to get enough damn second hand smoke hanging out with me anyway. Why not give up and smoke one?”

  I clutched my coat closed. “You think I look like a slut?”

  “The finest, classiest slut I’ve ever seen.” He held me at arms’ length and his eyes dropped to my feet. “With the sexiest shoes. Man, those are fuck-me shoes.”

  “That is not the message I’m trying to send with them.” I turned my heel and looked at my shoe from the side. Saxon shrugged and held the cigarette out again.

  I laughed a little, then took the cigarette from his hand and eyed it quizzically. I held it the way he held his, low between his index and middle fingers, pulled a drag into my lungs, felt it burn and blew it back out.

  Saxon cracked up. “You need to hold it higher up. That low look only works for guys, okay?”

  I adjusted it so it was higher between my fingers and took another drag, pulled the smoke in smoothly and blew it back out. “Nah. Not for me. I realize why you do it now.”

  “Why’s that?” He took it back and pulled another a deep drag.

  “Because of how it feels. And looks. It really is just a prop.” He started to walk, and I walked with him.

  “You’re implying that I’m insecure?” Smoke clouded around his face.

  “Oh, I’m not implying. I’m coming out and saying that you’re insecure. The cigarette is just a cool toy. That will kill you and makes you stink.” We listened to the sound of his footsteps and the click of my heels as he contemplated my words.

  He studied the cigarette. “It might have started as a lame security blanket. But I get edgy if I don’t have one now.”

  I raised my eyebrows at him. “Obviously, Saxon. They’re addictive.”

  He smiled at me and switched gears so quickly and uncharacteristically, it made my head spin. “I like it when you say my name.” His voice was sweet and sexy twined together. He took my hand, and I let him.

  “How come?”

  “Cause it makes me feel like you’re my girl instead of some random hot girl I’m lusting after. When you use my name, I feel like you might really want to be talking to me because I’m the one person you want to be around most.” His smile was so adorable, it made my heart seize up.

  “Do you want that?” I looked into his eyes, now so warmly gold they were practically glowing. “You want us to be together? Like, beyond this trip?”

  “Yeah.” He stepped closer to me. “That’s the goal.�
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  “And you plan to just date me? If we got together?” My hands shook.

  “Yeah.” He ran the back of his fingers along my cheek and I closed my eyes. “I never really had this urge before. To be with one girl. I feel like I wouldn’t get tired of you.”

  And I instantly felt a rush of nervousness. Like what if I couldn’t keep Saxon entertained? How many boring nights before he turned his attention somewhere else? Would he pay attention when I was upset? Could it ever work?

  We walked until we were back in front of the dorms.

  “Do you want to just chill for a little while?” Saxon asked.

  “Sure.” I nodded to the cozy group of chairs grouped in the warm little antechamber. “Do you want to sit in the lobby?”

  “My room is at the end of the hall,” he suggested, his voice low.

  I thought about it for a minute. “Okay,” I said, my voice expressing so much more certainty than I actually felt. I followed him down the hall, and he opened the door and led me in.

  His room was exactly the same as mine, but it was smoky, dark clothes were thrown all over along with his packs of cigarettes and lighters, his iPod and laptop, his racing magazine and a copy of Brave New World by Aldous Huxley. I walked over and picked it up, then sat on his bed and kicked my heels off. I flipped through the pages.

  “What are you reading this for?” I flipped it to the cover and held it up for him to see.

  “Junior Honors. Dystopia unit. Ever read it?” He emptied his pockets, tossing his cellphone, lighter, cigarettes, and change on the desktop.

  I nodded. “I love it.”

  “Yeah, me too.” He took off his button down. He was wearing a tight black a-shirt underneath. I realized that he had a tattoo on each shoulder. They were some kind of matching, snaking dragons. He sat on the desk, his booted feet on the chair, popped the window open and lit another cigarette. “It’s kind of sick, but I love the world they live in. The one we’re supposed to hate.”